The Demon's Will Never Leave You

Since the girls memorialized their dad on Saturday, they were extra sad and so they stayed home from school today. I decided after my interview this morning that I was going to hang out with them and distract them from their dark place. We went to lunch with my sister, who was very sad today too. After lunch, we went to look at cars and then to the 'gara' (our name for thrift stores), where we ran into my parents. Dad seemed the most lucid that I've seen him since moving back. He was interactive, happy and engaged, which reminded me of my old pops.
Later that afternoon, Lilypons, the midge, momma, and I were upstairs in the computer room. I came downstairs and my dad was in a complete daze. He was just sitting on the couch looking to a far away place.

I sat across from him and asked him what he was thinking about, he began to cry, big, take your breath away sobs and I walked over to his couch and gave him a big hug. I asked him what he was crying about and he just whimpered "because of all the men I lost". I was confused and thought that he said "because of the Ben I lost" (his nickname is Ben, real name Matias). I asked him again and he said "The war, f$** the Vietnam war!, I was in charge of all these young kids and no one prepared me for what I was going to see and experience". I asked if he ever went to therapy after coming back and he said "No way. They don't do anything for us, they just throw us out there and make us kill and then if we return alive and intact, throw us back into society". He sobbed some more, really hard and then said "I had to write those letters to the parents of those kids, I was responsible for letting them know their children were dead". He continued to say that the worse thing he saw was a 20 year old in the line of a grenade who lost the top of his head and died instantly in front of my dad. "And I was responsible for them, I failed them, I was 2nd in charge Executive Officer and the only guy above me was too busy screwing the Vietnamese ladies who cleaned our barracks".
"They told us, all you see, everything you live through will never leave you, the demon's will never leave you". They were right. My dad, completely memory impaired, who can't even remember what occurred 5 seconds ago, who forgot his granddaughter yesterday, has this deeply imprinted in his brain and perhaps always will.