Why Choosing Love Paid More More Than Any Job Ever Could

One month ago today, my dad left this world physically, but definitely not spiritually. He's still around and makes himself known often. When I first started this blog, I was choosing love for the first time, but it was also to get away from a situation I wasn't entirely sure about. I told myself, my partner at the time and my family that I was leaving to help my mom care for my dad, to allow her some respite and spend time with my sisters kids as they grew into little adults. I was being 'selfless' we'll say, but in reality, I was running away. My go-to coping mechanism of my 20's and 30's was running as fast as possible from discomfort. I quit my well paying, yet mediocre job in my beloved profession. I left my partner, my friends, my gorgeous apartment, my incredible life to return to a place I wasn't very fond of. I did it for love, I did it for my family. Or so I thought.
I led with good intentions, but a hidden agenda to run away, so obviously it didn't turn out very well. At home, I realized my dad's only touchstone was my mother at that time. No one else would do. I tried to take him on walks, to the mall, out to eat, but he wouldn't leave the house without my mom. It was a fight, often and I only lasted eight months. I was working for pediatricians in El Paso and when they decided to open an office in Austin, I pitched a monthly salary and my duties and they took it. I was the chosen one to go back to Austin and do it.
So I did. I opened their office and it failed after 15 months of providing service to about 100 patients. During those 15 months, I tried to piece together my old life. I tried to get my now ex- to love me again. I tried to get my job back at my old clinic. I made new friends to try to replace the old ones (the true ones were there and will always be there). But everything had changed, the energy was different, I was returning home, but home was an unfamiliar place.
I began the reckless spiral. Nothing made sense and I lost myself. I became a wild child and self- destructive. I started caustic relationships with people who drained my heart and soul. I wasn't sure where I was headed, but it wasn't towards love or anywhere close. Then I hit the bottom of the rock, my dark night of the soul, deep depression and near-suicide. I had to make a choice. Choose love or fear. I had to choose to break my moms heart even more by disappearing or find a way to crawl away from the sadness into peace. I chose love.
Very slowly, things began to fall into place. I got a job at the same organization that I had originally left. I carved a new life, new friends, a healing home, a lovely boyfriend. I even started practicing different, being exposed to holistic modalities that worked better than drugs. I began changing my diet, exercising more, finding self-love and self-acceptance. Not needing others to validate me or my existence. I chose love again and it worked.
In May of this year, the decision to move away from my life presented itself again. My mom was oscillating about taking my dad out of the nursing home he had lived at for six months and bringing him home or leaving him there. She wanted to ask me to help, but remembering the trauma and drama it caused the first time left her hesitant about asking the question. She couldn't do it on her own, my dad was almost completely dependent on others to help him navigate daily life, she needed help.
This time, I truly chose love. I sat my boyfriend down and explained the situation. We talked it through and he understood completely and encouraged me to follow my heart. I quit my job abruptly and I'm grateful for my doctors and co-workers understanding. I abandoned my home, which I own. And I left my life again, but this time, leading with love made it all feel right.
I would come back and forth to Austin to do 4 shifts a month, but mostly I was at home with my parents. Attending to my dad, helping fix meals for my family, hanging out with my nieces when they would let me, writing, reading, loving my life. I spent more daddy-daughter moments with my him than I have in the last 15 years. He talked to me like a father should. Encouraging me, smiling, laughing, dancing with me. I took naps with him, I fed him meals, I played music for him. We walked, we danced, we joked and he was back to the best dad in the world and I was totally in love. My boyfriend visited on multiple occasions and quickly became part of our family. My pops totally dug him. Life was good and I believe it was because I chose love over a job or stability. May, June and July of 2015 were some of the best days of my life. I will NEVER regret choosing to go be with my dad in his last days. Those were days I will never get back.
People often say that big dreams are for people who don't have kids or a family. When I tell patients to start small to find out what they really want to do, to find what they're passionate about and go after it, they say I'm crazy because I don't have someone to provide for. Well for a little while I did. I left good money, a stable, awesome paying job and an amazing life to care for my pops. I still have a mortgage, a car payment, multiple bills and school loans, but I chose love and it paid more than any job ever could. In those three months, I spent incredible times with my dad, my mom, my sister, my nieces and my nephew (when he would let me). I also wrote more than I have in years, rekindled a love for writing that I had been missing for a long time and began to follow my dreams once again. That time I had to just breathe, to reflect and rest, to just be present allowed creativity to flow. I surrendered to what the universe had in store for me and the story it wrote was better than I could have ever imagined, all because I chose love.
I've returned home to Austin now and magically, though I cry everyday because I miss my dad, life is good again. I've returned home and things are even better than they were when I left. My friendships are richer, my relationship more fulfilling, work is a blessing, my life is better than I could have ever wished. Pretty sure these are gifts from dad in gratitude. And the universe of course. And God. When you choose love, miracles happen. When you chose love, the world rewards you with abundance that you didn't know existed. When you chose love, you get moments you will forever treasure. Always choose love, life is almost effortless when you do.
I love you dad. Thanks for showing me the way. I will miss you forever.